Aside from those few little things, fighting and killing a vampire is really quite simple. Just follow "Tiny Wight's 5 Simple Vampire-Slaying Steps" and everything will be just fine:

1. Get a wooden stake - oak, preferably, as any other kind of stake will likely be rammed up your ass before all the blood is drained from your body.
 2. Find a vampire. This step is vital, as killing a vampire has proven impossible without it. Please do not attempt to bypass this step.
 3. Locate the vampire's heart. If you can locate your own heart, you can locate the vampire's heart, but I've included a diagram for you ignorant assholes. You know who you are.
 4. Hold the stake in your hand, pointy side forward and draw your hand away from the vampire.
 5.  Now thrust the stake forward (towards the vampire, remember) at a very high rate of speed, smashing through its ribcage, puncturing its black heart and sending its damned soul back to the fires of hell from whence it came.

 

Occassionally, for reasons unbeknownst to me, people feel inclined to add steps of their own, especially a step 4 1/2, which involves having the vampire kill them, suck out all their blood or rip them to pieces. I strongly discourage improvised steps such as this.

At no cost to you, I have detailed my 5 fool-proof steps for slaying vampires. I use them all the time with great success. I disclaim any and all responsibility for death, dismemberment, eternal enslavement, blood loss, excessive blood loss, complete blood loss, dandruff, or any other incovenience that may arise due to failure to properly follow these steps. That's it. Done deal. No big whoop. If you follow these instructions to the letter, you -like I- will defeat every vampire you encounter.

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