An invaluable compendium of tips from one of the greatest monster-hunting legends of all time written with the explicit intent of preventing up and coming slayers from remaining or becoming ignorant a**holes.
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I'm friggin' pissed!
Someone ate my last half gallon of vanilla bean ice cream that I had in the sub-zero walk-in freezer. It was clearly labeled "TINY WIGHT's VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM, ASSHOLE. NO TOUCHY."
I just got back from the grocery store with all these sundae fixin's and now I'm standing here with MUD on my face. Whoever took that ice cream, I swear to you "I will punch your fucking lights out".
Exhibit A
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I’ll admit that from time to time I indulge in a 5 scoop ice cream sundae with all the fixin’s. I’ll readily admit that. Sweets are really just so great. They provide a terrific pick-me-up when you’re feeling oh-so-blue, don’t they? Problem is, though, you’ve been having a few too many. Not for nothing, but I’m just saying – you’d be a 10% better monster hunter if you lost about 15 pounds.
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Killing a vampire really isn't the hardest thing in the world to do. All you've got to worry about is the razor sharp claws, the long, hideous fangs, its ability to shapeshift and/or become intangible, its lightning-fast reflexes, its ability to hypnotise with a glance, its near invulnerability to all physical attacks and the hordes of hellbeasts that serve and protect it. |
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Hi friend, welcome aboard. Killing all those zombies with you today was really great - it really was. What's that? Oh, no - I'm not sad, but thanks for asking. Actually, my eyes are watering from your body odor.
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