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Home arrow Monster Hunting arrow Tiny Wight Monster Hunting Tips arrow To Kill a Vampire - 5 Easy Steps
To Kill a Vampire - 5 Easy Steps
Written by Tiny Wight   
Killing a vampire really isn't the hardest thing in the world to do. All you've got to worry about is the razor sharp claws, the long, hideous fangs, its ability to shapeshift and/or become intangible, its lightning-fast reflexes, its ability to hypnotise with a glance, its near invulnerability to all physical attacks and the hordes of hellbeasts that serve and protect it.

Aside from those few little things, fighting and killing a vampire is really quite simple. Just follow "Tiny Wight's 5 Simple Vampire-Slaying Steps" and everything will be just fine:

Please study this diagram closely before attempting to thrust a wooden stake into a vampire's heart. 1. Get a wooden stake - oak, preferably, as any other kind of stake will likely be rammed up your ass before all the blood is drained from your body.
 2. Find a vampire. This step is vital, as killing a vampire has proven impossible without it. Please do not attempt to bypass this step.
 3. Locate the vampire's heart. If you can locate your own heart, you can locate the vampire's heart, but I've included a diagram for you ignorant assholes. You know who you are.
 4. Hold the stake in your hand, pointy side forward and draw your hand away from the vampire.
 5.  Now thrust the stake forward (towards the vampire, remember) at a very high rate of speed, smashing through its ribcage, puncturing its black heart and sending its damned soul back to the fires of hell from whence it came.

 

Occassionally, for reasons unbeknownst to me, people feel inclined to add steps of their own, especially a step 4 1/2, which involves having the vampire kill them, suck out all their blood or rip them to pieces. I strongly discourage improvised steps such as this.

At no cost to you, I have detailed my 5 fool-proof steps for slaying vampires. I use them all the time with great success. I disclaim any and all responsibility for death, dismemberment, eternal enslavement, blood loss, excessive blood loss, complete blood loss, dandruff, or any other incovenience that may arise due to failure to properly follow these steps. That's it. Done deal. No big whoop. If you follow these instructions to the letter, you -like I- will defeat every vampire you encounter.





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Comments (3)Add Comment
...
written by Nicole, January 21, 2008
and we don't have hideous fangs.
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written by Nicole, January 21, 2008
You will never understand. You STUPID HUMANS! Stakes only paralyze us! Heh I won't tell you how we really die...but I can tell you you'll never figure it out. Now understand, you can never kill us, because A. you'll never figure out how to, And B. you'll never find us.
...
written by lee, January 10, 2008
hey want to be on my team of slaying vampires
please fil free to meet me at
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I'm friggin' pissed! 

 

Someone ate my last half gallon of vanilla bean ice cream that I had in the sub-zero walk-in freezer. It was clearly labeled "TINY WIGHT's VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM, ASSHOLE. NO TOUCHY." 

 

I just got back from the grocery store with all these sundae fixin's and now I'm standing here with MUD on my face. Whoever took that ice cream, I swear to you "I will punch your fucking lights out".


 

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