To Kill a Vampire - 5 Easy Steps |
Written by Tiny Wight | |
Killing a vampire really isn't the hardest thing in the world to do. All you've got to worry about is the razor sharp claws, the long, hideous fangs, its ability to shapeshift and/or become intangible, its lightning-fast reflexes, its ability to hypnotise with a glance, its near invulnerability to all physical attacks and the hordes of hellbeasts that serve and protect it.
Aside from those few little things, fighting and killing a vampire is really quite simple. Just follow "Tiny Wight's 5 Simple Vampire-Slaying Steps" and everything will be just fine: 1. Get a wooden stake - oak, preferably, as any other kind of stake will likely be rammed up your ass before all the blood is drained from your body. At no cost to you, I have detailed my 5 fool-proof steps for slaying vampires. I use them all the time with great success. I disclaim any and all responsibility for death, dismemberment, eternal enslavement, blood loss, excessive blood loss, complete blood loss, dandruff, or any other incovenience that may arise due to failure to properly follow these steps. That's it. Done deal. No big whoop. If you follow these instructions to the letter, you -like I- will defeat every vampire you encounter. Comments (6)
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written by seth, November 30, 2008
This website insults us, we are not that of the old evil way, we have adapted to look more human even when feeding. We are passionate beings with a small thirst for that holy sweet liquid. Any one who comes after me will meet the same fate as the LAST 3!
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written by Nicole, January 21, 2008
You will never understand. You STUPID HUMANS! Stakes only paralyze us! Heh I won't tell you how we really die...but I can tell you you'll never figure it out. Now understand, you can never kill us, because A. you'll never figure out how to, And B. you'll never find us.
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written by lee, January 10, 2008
hey want to be on my team of slaying vampires
please fil free to meet me at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
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I'm friggin' pissed!
Someone ate my last half gallon of vanilla bean ice cream that I had in the sub-zero walk-in freezer. It was clearly labeled "TINY WIGHT's VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM, ASSHOLE. NO TOUCHY."
I just got back from the grocery store with all these sundae fixin's and now I'm standing here with MUD on my face. Whoever took that ice cream, I swear to you "I will punch your fucking lights out".
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A couple of my friends are from the three noble families (it u know what I?m on about) and last time i checked the vampires that i know rather enjoy dishes made of garlic, like walks in the sun and have no aversion to anything religious (holy water, crosses, ect, ect.)The stakes will kill the vampires these days but not because the life force is taken from them but because they are usually like humans like that. I would suggest that you don?t go around slaying them as there would be two consequences:1 the police will be after you for murder, and 2 if it was a vampire you killed the rest of their kin will mark and kill you. No of the three families would ever harm a human or their livestock unless in a life threatening situation, or for revenge for you having slaying their kin.
My Sources: Several of my friends belong to the Three families.